Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
