Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
