I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
