mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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