No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize