After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
