I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
