I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
