I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
a search helicopter?!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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