he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So many bounce houses so little time
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
