I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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