So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
