I can text with my tongue
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
