any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
