So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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