what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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