Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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