Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
