I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
