this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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