Don't make out with my wife yet
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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