Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
