i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
