Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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