i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
