cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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