that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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