Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
