thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
