those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize