My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
