I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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