onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize