Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
