Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
