Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
