I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
