After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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