I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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