Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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