While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize