He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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