if i can run in heels then i can drive
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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