Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
