YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
