listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
