looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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