I think scott just propositioned me for sex
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
