I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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