How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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