A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize