im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
