Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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