Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
