he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
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