the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
