There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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