Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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