if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize