After last night, I could never be a politician.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
