I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
