you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Vodka?
Forever.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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