Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
